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Maggie Stiefvater
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Julie Kagawa
I Am Number Four (Lorien Legacies Series #1) - Pittacus Lore,  Read by Neil Kaplan Nothing I'll say is going to convey adequately the utter nothingness of this book. The characters are unbearable in their stupidity. To say nothing of the dog.So, I'm just going to quote some of the dumbest parts.“All the doors are blocked. How else can we get out?”I think about it, figuring that one of the unbarred windows in a different classroom is our best bet.You stupid idiot, do you forget that until yesterday you've been able to unlock every kind of lock by working the inner mechanism with your telekinesis? Really, it looked like you had nothing better to do with it (and isn't that just sad? What would you do if you were telekinetic? Open locked doors all day long, of course!).Bernie Kosar has brought a Mogadorian to the ground, his teeth now sunk deeply into its throat, hell ablaze in the dog’s eyes.Oh! What mighty opponents these Mogadorians are proving themselves to be!Bernie Kosar is the dog. And the evil guys can be brought down by it. That's pathetic.And even if it's not really a dog, it sure is stuck in the body of one, so the same rules for a "regular" dog would still apply.The gray in the trees isn’t shadows; the gray is the life of the trees at its most elemental level. And now those lives are being stolen, consumed by the Mogadorians.OMG, the bad guys are "killing" trees! You can't get more evil than that, can you!?Oh, wait. You can, if you cut down trees to print this book.English is not my first language (not even my second), but using "human" adjectives and verbs to give humanity to plants sounds just plain wrong to me. Considering also that trees actually do nothing in this story. It's not like these are like Tolkien's sentient trees, these are just plain, regular, ol' trees.One of the gifts our planet gave us is to love completely. Without jealousy or insecurity or fear. Without pettiness. Without anger.Just kill me, now.Let's not talk about the idea of a planetary consciousness that cooks up nothing better than to "gift" people with stupid powers, the most coveted being the power of invisibility. Ugh.That consciousness was temporarily on a trip somewhere when the time came to save itself from the Mogadorian invasion.Looks like the author wanted to make up a washed-down version of Asimov's Gaia. It didn't turn out so well. And the ecologist undercurrents of it all made my teeth ache.Let's not talk about the bad guy's leader being called Pittacus Lore. And the author chosing a pseudonym like that. Let's not, please.